Sunday, 7 August 2011

Introducing You To... My Hand.


Whitney & I watched 'Soul Surfer' together the other day. This is a film we wanted to watch when it hit the theaters when we were still in Hawaii, but we never got round to it. The film is absolutely brilliant and amazing. It tells the true story of Bethany Hamilton who whilst surfing in Hawaii, got her arm bit off by a shark. It shows her remarkable recovery and determination to adjust to only have one arm and also, to become a pro surfer still.



This film hit us in many ways, not only did it make us miss Hawaii so much more than we already did, it hit both of us far deeper. This is the part of this post where I am hesitant to type. It is a post I have wanted to do for quite a long time, not only for myself in some sort of therapeutic way, but also for you our dear followers. I do not want to seem like I have been in any way deceiving you but alas, in my way of coping, that is what I sort of do.

Like Bethany, I only have the full use of one arm/ hand. My right hand. This is why you will 99% of the time only ever seen my right hand/arm in photos or videos. I have a disability to my left hand. It is not recent, I have had it almost since birth. I was born premature at 28 weeks old; 12 weeks early (yes 3 months!) I weighed a mere 1.14lb, basically a bag of sugar. I wont go into complete details (for reasons I may reveal later) however as a result of medical negligence I lost the tips of my fingers to my left hand resulting in a great loss of function with further complications.



Like Bethany, I can pose in a way to hide it.


Unlike Bethany, who has grown up with the full function of both hands, to suddenly have to adjust to a one handed way of life... this is the way I grew up and I know no different. I am very strong willed and a motivated person. I am very fortunate that my parents raised me to not think I was disabled. It is, however, over the last few years that the reality of my disability has hit me. I hide it very cleverly that it takes people a while to notice. However, when they notice I can tell, I can see it in their eyes. And it is this that sometimes gives me great anxiety, which is in contrast to my rather out going persona. Therefore I guess a lot of dealing with it is psychological. I find it very hard to ask for help and hate it when people offer it, though at the same time might often need it! Whilst I manage to do most things independently, there are quite a few daily tasks that I struggle at and cannot do. I get frustrated, I get upset, I get annoyed. Years ago I could not talk about this subject without crying for no reason.


If you look closely, you can see Whitney holding my hand. If my hand shows in any way I normally cut it out of pictures.

Whitney has been a true blessing in my life. Not only is she the love of my life, she truly loves me for who I am. It is with her love for my hand that I am able to come to terms with it in a more positive light. The future worries me for what is to come, such as with children and old age, in what I will be able to do. But I know I will always have Whitney at my side.

It is kind of ironic that I am able to fully embrace my 'marginalized' identity as a lesbian, but not one for my disability. I am working on it. This is a huge step for me. Who knows if I'll end up posting this today, tomorrow or never. But it feels better to have written it. My biggest fear I guess is of being judged- not by you followers, but the Internet can be a big scary place where you put your personal life out there. (Though Whitney informs me that she will hunt down and kill anyone who says anything negative- she's very protective over it haha).


Comments about my sexual orientation I can handle... about my disability, I'm not so strong. And so in posting this, I am making myself vulnerable. You may wonder then why do it? Seeing how brave Bethany was in dealing with her disability, over coming it and reaching out to many others as a role model, put me to shame. I am in awe of her but also slightly envious at her ability to cope. & hers is most definitely worse than mine.

So there you have it everybody. You may or may not have realised this yourself, or wondered why you never saw my left hand. Now you know. I think it will take me a while to get out of the habit of posing so that it is hidden, or editing it out of pictures if it is showing. I am nervous to post this, but this, this is a start.

Photobucket
A rare photo you will see of my hand, with Whitney's hand.

It is with Whitney by my side, holding my hand, that I push 'publish post'. Whitney thinks that it makes me all the better and stronger for it, I hope I think that one day too.

Edit: It is now November 2012, so over a year since I wrote this post which continues to receive great support, so thank you very much! I'm still coming 'to terms' with my disability and getting stronger as time goes on... so watch this space!



Love
Megan X

50 comments:

  1. God love you Megan -- especially for having the courage to post this. You are a BEAUTIFUL girl, inside and out. No disability could ever take that away from you. As you know, you are also beyond blessed to have found someone as accepting and loving as Whitney is. Everyone always dreams of finding that perfect someone; and you? You have found her!!

    So glad you posted this. It just makes you that much more awesome.
    And I'm with Whitney -- If anyone ever said anything mean or hurtful to/about you, I'll hunt them down, too :)

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  2. Well done for being brave enough to post this. You're beautiful and an inspiration :) R x

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  3. Well Whitnet is right! The people behind the computer who may have some idiotic comment do not matter. Now it's the people who stand by you inspite of, are the only people that matter. Megan you are a very bright, beautiful and respectable young woman. I wish you weren't afraid to show yourself, your true self, we will all still love you, in all your fabulous light. Move at your own pace!
    Love you girls no matter what!

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  4. What can i say . I could write an extremely long reply to this post, but i will simple say , that i have followed you ladies since the very beginning of this blog and you continue to amaze me with your wonderful , and honest posts and this one follows suit, I hope that putting yourself out there with this post is one step forward in embracing all that you are megan .. when you and whitney come togther , bringing with you both your storys and join them togther , that is something amazing, amazing on your own and together.. Keep being yourselves as your strength, posivivity, honesty is what i for one keep coming back for..
    Have an amazing day.
    sarah

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  5. Megan - I am so proud of you for having the strength to write this post. When I met you on your trip through NY, I did notice eventually that you had limited use of your hand, but it really did take me a bit to even pay attention to it. Your warm and wonderful personality and the fact that every man we passed was whistling at you had me distracted so that I didn't even see! And once I did, it made zero difference to me in any way...I actually thought you a stronger person to handle a "disability" as you call it, with such grace and poise. You are truly a strong and independent woman, and you should have no fear of sharing exactly who you are with the world. You will be loved, with or without your different abilities :) xoxoxo

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  6. This post has made me admire you in so many ways.

    I also have a disability of sorts that I hide from people. One day I'm hoping to have come to a time and place in my life where I can write a blog post like this and stop hiding. Stop feeling ashamed. I hope I can be proud of all that I am and be out and proud in numerous ways, not only some.

    Thank you for this post. I am lost for words and that, dear, doesn't happen often.

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  7. You're beautiful, Megan- inside and out! You ooze positivity and give others the strength to be themselves and live the way they deserve to. I've been following WWDN for a while now and it has given me, a femme loving femme, comfort knowing there are plenty more like me :) You haven't let your "disability" become a disability in your life and nobody on here would have ever guessed that. You are perfect and you are going far in life. Keep doing what you're doing, girl!

    Lots and lots of love,
    Michelle

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  8. Goodness me, I am speechless. Thank you all SO much for your kind words. It truly means more than you know! I will respond to you all that I can via email properly when I get the chance. Just wanted you all to know I'm so grateful for your love & support!

    Much love

    Megan X

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  9. So brave of you to share this with all of us readers! I can understand how difficult it must have been for you. You are beautiful, and i have so much respect for you for being so brave:) You guys are truly amazing:)
    Love form Norway!

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  10. This post made me weepy! Megan, you are so strong and so beautiful. I feel lucky to be getting to know you.

    Much love,
    Julia

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  11. Good for you, Meghan!!! I am so proud of you for taking the time to write this and for putting your fears inside out for others as an example of your strength! I honestly never noticed that I never saw your left hand in pictures, but I now hope I will see more of it because it is a part of you and you, my blog friend, are a beautiful person inside and out! :) Thank you for feeling that we, your followers, were worthy of you sharing this with us...it makes me think that much more of you! :)

    Liesl :)

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  12. Megan
    I have followed this blog for sometime now and i love it. I'm a hopeless romantic and am hoping to find my "Whitney" someday soon. Thank you so much for sharing this, you are so brave and such a fighter (1.14 lbs?!? wow) You're amazing and i just wanted to let ya know.
    T

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  13. Megan-

    You are so incredibly beautiful- inside and out. I think that you and Whitney make a wonderful couple and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I know that this is nothing compared to what you've gone through, but my fiance (who is English while I'm American) had a brain hemorrhage when he was eight, and he is quite fragile in some aspects.

    I remember once that he got quite upset at the thought of not being able to protect me physically because of his brain. I know exactly how Whitney feels. It might not show physically, but when you have something that hinders you in that way- it makes it difficult.

    The thing is, you are so lucky to have Whit to always be by your side and that no matter what she will always protect you. I am the same way with my fiance, and I will always be.

    Sorry that was so long, but basically, I just wanted to say that I am very happy that you decided to share this with us. We love y'all!

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  14. I think it's amazing what you just did Megan. I'm glad you had the courage to do it when you wanted, how you wanted it. We're not perfect, in fact no one's perfect, what makes us special is what we have inside, in this case what make you and Whit perfect is each imperfection you guys share with each other every minute of every day. Thank You for sharing. With much love Taty!

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  15. HUGE admiration for you right now! Sharing this must have been so very difficult to do. Your closeness and love for each other demonstrates that even the worst fears and pain can be healed by beauty and love. What you felt nable to say for so long gives you incredible strength. All I see is incredible ability, beauty and love for life. You have more than many and so much to give.

    Xxx David

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  16. Megan... You are so brave and wonderful to open up like this .
    You are beautiful and very very lucky to have Whitney...
    never forget how amazing you are
    Hugs xx

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  17. i am so proud of you!
    makes me really happy that you were
    strong enought to share this with your readers!
    You are beautiful inside and out and
    people that matter the most will love you
    regardless. You have an awesome girl by
    your side that is deeply in love with you.
    I am happy you took the big step !
    No more hidding now :) just remember that
    YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL MEG!!

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  18. Megan, you are amazing. I know this first hand, of course, but reading this was incredible. I miss you and can't wait to see you again in London. nik x

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  19. I'm sure it’s hard to really, truly believe it, but I'm going to echo the posters above and say you are incredibly gorgeous. Nothing could change that. You are still one half of perhaps the prettiest couple ever. (And yes, you have a great personality too, blah, blah, blah . . . ☺ )

    You are so brave to share this (I bet this is also going to be hard to believe). It’s only recently through my blog that I’ve been able to write about the parts of me I’m most private about, namely, my history with binge eating disorder. I also thought that coming out to the world would be most difficult, but in fact it’s talking about my issues with food and weight.

    Thank you so, so much for making it one step easier for all of us to be more honest about ourselves. I can’t wait to read more.

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  20. I love this post. It's so sweet, you two are an amazing couple.

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  21. even though you were concerned about sharing that part of you, look at what you've done, the lives you've touched with your candidness. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but one would be a fool not to think every part of you is lovely.

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  22. First, kudos to you both for being out. That is not something that is easy. If only I had your courage. And second, big kudos for posting aout your hand! I have a friend who only has her pinky and thumb, and I didn't notice for years!

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  23. That was so sweet :'(

    I have a disability but no one can see it as it's in my head. It does really embarrass me how much it has really held me back in life, especially since I can't explain it and not all of my partners have been understanding.

    Good on you xxx

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  24. Bless you sweetie xx not only are you brave, but you can also inspire others xx

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  25. It is my honor to post a message to you AMAZING Women. A happy "Tweet" sent me in your direction and I am absolutely gobsmacked with your life's voyage and your lovely perspectives of life and being in love.
    I wish you joy, I wish you peace, and I wish for you a long and happy life together.

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  26. Man, you are brave...

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  27. Hey Megan! I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. It's really moving, and amazingly brave of you to talk about this and the way it's made you feel over the years. My little brother has a speech difficulty which is not severe but it has had a real impact on his life, and I find he - and other people - do tend to never talk openly about disability and the way it makes people feel, so it's really good of you to do this. I know what you mean about it not being the first thing people notice about you - I remember meeting you at work and I'd say I definitely noticed your style and lovely hair and make-up first! I am really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or anxious, I've always thought you're just super confident and awesome. And very beautiful of course!
    It's so cool to read about how Whit has made you start to feel braver and better about it - you're both lucky ladies and an amazing couple and I hope you are finally reunited for good soon! xx

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  28. Megan! I just read this and it was so moving. I was so touched by your words and encouraged by your braveness... You are such a beautiful girl inside and out! Thanks for sharing!

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  29. You are so strong for posting this! I love how protective your fiance is over that too, it's really sweet! You are both gorgeous and I look forward to reading more :)

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  30. I don't see I single part of you that is ugly. You were born different, but that doesn't make you any less than anyone else. You really are stunning and you and your girlfriend are super cute :) Major props for posting this, and I wish you both the best of luck in everything life brings you!

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  31. you are amazing!!! never feel ashamed! i had respect for you before but now i truly admire you!

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  32. Love the strength it took to post this! I read your interview at bouffe e bambini and popped over to check out you ladies blog. Loving it.

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  33. I've been following your blog and saw this referenced in the bouffe and bambini interview. This is so brave of you , and so, so important. Maybe even more so than being an excellent gay role model. People with disabilities are maginalized and noone seems to care or even notice, I'm glad that you are showing that "normal" is a way bigger spectrum than most people think. Also, Whitney is quite an awesome gal for being so supportive, best wishes to both of you! :)

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  34. Oh honey. You have brought tears to my eyes. This is one of the most amazing and inspiring posts I have EVER read in my entire time blogging. (And I have been blogging a long time!!) You are remarkable and an inspiration to everyone. You are beautiful, inside and out...and I am so very proud to have the honour of getting to know you.

    xo Tami

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  35. Wow.. I just noticed this and honestly had no idea. You're so beautiful in every way and it's so amazing of you to post this. This shows an unbelievable amount of strength and I can't even tell you how amazing this post is in every way! Always stay strong and know you are beautiful in every way :-)

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  36. Brought tears to my eyes this did. Im abit late but your a true idol to me and i wish i was a strong as you and as lucky as you to find someone who loves you no matter what! Thank you for posting this, your a true inspiration :) xxxxx

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  37. I've only just discovered your blog, twitter, etc. so I am really late to comment on this...but I just wanted to say that you are an absolute superstar! Your hand is part of who you are and part of what makes you so awesome. What a brave, exceptional girl you are! I can't really think of any other word but...just...wow!

    While I am 15 years ahead of you in age, I am twenty years (and counting) behind you in terms of coming out. I have so much respect for the two of you. I'm a high school teacher and a lot of kids come through my classroom each year. There are always some who have a disability - some more visible than others - and it is just gutting to me when they get picked on or marginalized. I fight for them every step of the way but, as encouraging as I can be, they really need people like you in this world who are not only role models but also fabulous poster children for how to live a good honest life.

    It makes me so happy to know that you are both happy and finally together in the UK. Stay strong and be proud. You have absolutely no idea how many people are cheering you on!

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  38. You are so strong and brave for posting this. I am a fellow premature baby and it is. Hard sometimes but you realize that having given the gift of a long happy life means you were meant for something greater. You're such an inspiration.

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  39. hi megan. you are absolutely beautiful just the way you are...i dont know you in person, but your videos shows everybody that you are such a strong and amazing human being. You are just amazingly beautiful inside and outside (stunning to tell you the truth). Thank you for this post and for being a person that inspire "us" in the gay community and outside it. I wish you and whitney all the happiness in the world!

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  40. Hi Megan:

    All I can say is that you are a inspiration, and a beautiful person inside and out. You aren't disabled...you are ABLE! Able to do and be whomever you want and little do you know you are stronger than you think you are! You aren't flawed but you are FLAWLESS! Most of all you are very BLESSED!

    Much Love and Hugs to you!

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  41. Dear Megan,

    I know this is an old post but I just came 'cross it today due to a question asked on Tumblr and I JUST HAD to comment.

    I too am disabled, and was born three months early. I have cerebral palsy, and have limited use of my right hand. I am so happy to read this post and discover more similarities! I know how it feels to be frustrated that you can't do some things that an able-bodied person can.

    You are truly an awesome woman, and I totally applaud you for writing this post!!

    Lots of love,

    Sara

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  42. What a beautiful post. Thank you for being honest and posting this.

    I discovered your blog a few months back and have almost read every single post.
    I recently discovered that I'm into girls and your blog and others like it means so much in my process of accepting myself as I am.

    So thank you for the great deal of honesty throughout this blog and I promise you have gained a loyal follower:-)

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  43. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first
    comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog.
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  44. Your post was so inspiring and beautiful. You have given me strength to face my "disability" which is not significant now but as time goes it will become worse and worse. In the end I will need surgery to correct it, and I will forever be left with scars.

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  45. Megan, you're beautiful no matter what. Thank you for sharing this story... Disability is hard to overcome, but by sharing this it has opened people's eyes to what they see just on good looks, in the clever way that you pose that there is more to you. You are so brave and your attitude towards your hand is inspiring. You are lucky to have Whitney by your side, you two are just perfect for one another <3 xxxxx

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  46. Yay!! I'm so excited for you that you posted this. That has to be a relief to know that you don't have to hide it any more. I'm very proud of you. I think you both are very beautiful and your hand doesn't take away from that at all. Also, looks aren't everything, its the person who you are, right? I really believe that the more comfortable you are with this the more comfortable other people will be too. Really, it shouldn't even be a big deal :)

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  47. i had no idea! you are very brave for sharing your story.
    it makes you, you!

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  48. Megan, I have just recently started reading your blog to help with my own coming out process, so first I want to thank you for helping me gain the confidence I need to love who I am and be confident in my sexuality. Secondly, I also want to thank you for sharing this post. You are absolutely beautiful and I actually find you way more attractive after seeing the pics of your hand and reading your story.

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  49. Wow. I've just read this and I think you are so brave. I didn't notice that you posed in a certain way, it just didn't occur to me at all. I think you're amazing and I wish you and Whitney all the happiness in the world. You deserve it.
    I am in a long distance relationship that is very complicated and I came across your story quite by chance. I re read it now and again because it gives me hope and makes me feel stronger. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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  50. Disable? That is not how I/we look at you. You are THIS ABLE. <3 <3 <3

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Thank you so much for reading our blog and taking the time to leave us a lovely comment. We read them all so keep them coming! Wegan X

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